he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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