he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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