u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
