my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
