just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
