I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
