It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
