Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
