Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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