well you can't waste a boner
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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