I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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