weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
