And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
