If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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