How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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