I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
We need to get me chipped asap
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
