Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
