have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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