You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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