u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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