in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
ttyl tear gas
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
