"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
