I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
