Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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