I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
