i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
