im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
don't judge my taste in strippers
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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