That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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