It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm at about main and main street
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
