Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
