I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
