I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
