Got a toothbrush?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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