Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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