I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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