i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
