i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
