I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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