R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
