I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
