its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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