you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
