Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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