woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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