the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
