hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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