just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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