y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
