Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
