I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
