I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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